I was in a leadership coaching program a few years back. We had virtual classroom sessions twice a week, and would have assignments to do in between.
One time, the assignment was to write a letter to someone in our life. Whether we sent it or not didn’t matter; it was a chance to flex what we were learning in service of building power as leaders. In other words, it wasn’t some abstract or theoretical bit of busy work, and we weren’t doing anything like filling out a worksheet, the answers to which existed in the back of some teacher’s edition.
It was a practical exercise.
And you’ve written letters before, right? So you know: this was probably something we could knock out in 20 minutes, maybe an hour if we really fretted about it. We had five days to do it.
When we reconvened, it turned out that less than 20% of the class had done it. I myself was among the didn’t-do-it majority.
I want you to understand: this was a program that we’d each paid thousands of dollars to be in. So none of us were here accidentally, and only a fool wouldn’t have been out to get their money’s worth.
Surface reasons were as obvious as they were cheap: didn’t have the time, forgot, didn’t put it in the calendar, couldn’t think of who to write, blah, blah, blah. Those were good enough to justify in the moment, and in a court of law you’d probably fail to convict on stronger charges. But the real reasons probably rhymed more with: it’s hard work and often confronting to do something that genuinely grows you as a person.
One of the course leaders was wise enough to see this, and had courage enough to call it out. Reminded us why doing the exercise mattered. Presenced for us what was at stake, in terms of who we know ourselves as when we let things slide versus doing the thing. Told us point blank that real leaders don’t use “I forgot” get themselves off the hook. Broke the ugly news, that dodging this sort of thing is often the very reason one gets and stays stuck.
Instead of plowing on with the plan of the day, we were given 20 minutes to get it done, right then and right there. “Just do it now, I’ll wait.”
And wait he did.
It didn’t take long. We all finished in that time. And the difference afterwards was palpable. The spirit of “this matters” was restored. The sense of agency among us participants was restored.
We continued the session with renewed energy. Rather than leaning back as the schmuck who didn’t do the homework (as if subconsciously trying to avoid getting called out for it), all of us individuals were actively engaged.
Now this is a cool story, how things got turned around, and quick!
There are two observations I want to make, teachable moments.
One, letting it slide when people don’t do the thing (that they said they would) is super common.
Two, intervention to get things back on track is super rare.
Common coaches let it slide, accommodate, buy the flimsy excuses and just move on.
Extraordinary coaches call it out, hold us clients as big, and demand we stay true to who we say we are and what we say we want.
Action items and incomplete Worksheets don’t disappear, nor do they mark themselves complete. So it’s easy for you as coach to see when your client didn’t do the thing they said they would, and this creates space to simply (read: without heat) address what’s so and get back on track.
